Leo has truly become a full blown toddler. When my little man is not sleeping he is getting into everything. He’s always working on how solving a problem whether it be how to get to the television remote or how to climb on top of boxes. His vocabulary is expanding too. I’m “Mom.” My mom is “Nana.” Matthew is “Da.” The sippy cup is still “Baba.” His favorite words to say right now are Kitty (Tee-Tee) and Achoo! Leo is perfect to me.
. When I was pregnant with Leo we decided against the genetic testing that can be done in the second trimester because we were thankful Leo was still alive. We feel since Leo and I survived the Joplin tornado for a reason that is out of control we would accept him no matter how he came. I feel silly admitting this but when Leo was born I counted all of his fingers and toes. I had a lingering fear of something being terribly wrong with Leo because of the amount of x-rays done in my pelvis area when I was originally diagnosed with “miscarriage.” I worry constantly the crush injury was going to affect him one way or the other. When we found out Leo had reflux I even asked my pediatrician if it was because of what I went through. I’m still mad at myself for not moving fast enough in that produce maybe. Maybe if we stood by something else I wouldn’t have been crushed. Then again maybe it might have killed me.
I look at my perfectly normal toddler every day wondering if I will ever have the courage to tell him the journey he has already had in such a small amount of time. I am so lucky he didn’t have to see first hand what I experienced on May 22nd. It makes me happy knowing he is happy. His only concerns are eating, sleeping, love, and exploring. I don’t know if he will ever know or truly understand he might have never been born. How do you bring up the topic of disaster to a child?
For now at least I’m going to count every day as a blessing. Neither he or I should be here and for that it’s a reason to celebrate living.